I didn’t always know that I have BPD. I believe it may have actually started out as depression from the age of 13. It was at this age I began cutting and other forms of self-harm. I had an unnatural fascination with death, and had what a professional would refer to as an obsessive ideology with death. Over time it seemed to have morphed into symptoms of bipolar disorder. From the moment I showed signs of depression I had tried several ssris (anti-depressants), and once I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder is when the cocktail of mood stabilizers, anti-anxiety medicine, and ADHD medications began.
I am going to slightly fast-forward for a moment to the point when..
I FOUND ONE THAT WORKS! I can’t accurately describe how it literally felt like a light bulb had flipped on. It felt like I could see things clearer, or as if I was looking through a new pair of eyes. I was able to self reflect, and see that a trigger of mine is my belief that everyone is against me or thinks negatively of me, and I had a tendency to react defensively even when the situation did not warrant it. The medicine made it to where I could pause just a couple seconds longer and think from a more logical stance. (Even though I still can be a fairly impulsive person at times) So, in certain situations that would’ve triggered me in the past, I was becoming able to see error in how my brain processed the same situation before compared to now. My brain got a little quieter when that happened. A little more peaceful, and it was one of my first real tastes of peace of mind. From that moment forward I knew that working on my mental wellness was completely worth all the of the hard work.
I will be honest though, when I finally had that breakthrough moment I had been at my grueling, rigorous mental wellness journey for at least 3 years.
That is my prime reason for this blogging site, because at the ripe age of 26,
having been working on my own mental stability for a solid 13 years, I know just how hard it is even to get where I am at now. While I have come so very far over the years, I still struggle handling my BPD to this day, and I continuously learn and work towards growth everyday.
I whole heartedly believe knowledge is meant to be shared, and if someone’s journey can be made even slightly easier based on things I have learned it makes it more than worth it to me, and so much value to those hardships for me.
I really hope to see this blog do well, because through compassion and unity is how we can make this world a better place.