Definition of self- (www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/self)
1a(1): an individual’s typical character or behavior.
(2): an individual’s temporary behavior or character.
It occurs when we destroy ourselves physically, mentally, or emotionally or deliberately hinder our own success and wellbeing by undermining personal goals and values (Brenner, 2019). It is “insidious, profound, and universal” and emanates from negative mindsets (Berg, 2015). (www.positivepsychology.com))
What does this look like in relationships?
When we make statements along the lines of these;
“You hate me”.
“You don’t love me”.
“You think I am ugly”.
“You think I am fat”.
Do any of those example statements ring bells?
Me, being a female, I know I have caught myself posing these bold statements more than a handful of times.
Stop right now, stop saying such heinous self-talk.
It is more probable that the other partner doesn’t hold any of the negative views the person self- sabotaging believes they do. I believe it would be reasonable to assume the non-BPD partner doesn’t find those statements to be truthful, or factual in the slightest, but if you perpetually tell a person, pretty much anything, they will start to believe it to be true as well.
“If you repeat a lie often enough, people will believe it”.-*insert the person you choose to acknowledge*
*Several people, dating back to the 19th century, have been accredited for saying this.
This is an astronomical realization in a relationship though.
Based on the logic of the quote above; in a relationship, even if your partner does not think you’re ugly or fat, by continuously painting this image to your partner of “how they feel about you” in their mind, it inevitably is going to influence them into believing it (your detrimental opinions of yourself).
I am doubtful this is originally what you would be going for.
While we all need reassurance from time to time, having to constantly rebuke whether, or not you find your partner attractive, or if you love them can be mentally draining for anyone. (Yes, I have been the mentally draining partner more often than I admit out loud).
Don’t consciously persuade your partner to hate you because you hate yourself.
It will work.
I am still banking on this NOT being the goal.
To cultivate a healthy relationship, it is imperative this behavior comes to an end. (SEND HELP)
I have tied my beauty, and self-worth to an extreme level of modesty for most of my life.
I viewed my inability to accept compliments as being humble, and modest. I thought this is what made me beautiful, but more than anything I was putting myself down, and ruining my self-esteem. I have torn myself down at an alarming rate, and it’s fed my mental illness like a perpetual engine that actually works.
I still find infinite beauty in carrying myself with humility, and grace. I still believe inner beauty can be found in self-deprecation, but I know a little better now.
It has been brought into my knowingness, the negative counter-intuitive words I tell myself, are only hurtful to my psyche and definitely not the same as being humble. Hating myself does not equate to being beautiful.
Somewhere in between all of the madness, a silver lining can be found. I still learn a lot from each time my brain goes into these frames of mind, the darker parts within myself in which I am a hideous demon of a being. I pride myself in being open-minded, and maintaining the most well-rounded perspective possible.
Now when I combine my newfound emotional strength with my natural criticalness, I create a combination that equates to the wisdom of knowing, and based on the probability theory, it’s statistically more likely for there to be some good aspects of me rather than me not having any.
So now I will allow myself to believe I have do have some kind of skills, and that I am a contributing member of society (even though I would still prefer not admit it out loud).
I am definitely still a work in progress, and I feel unbelievably fortunate for the person I have now. He continuously supports me, inspires me to continue pursuing my dreams, and encourages me to see the best in myself. He keeps me grounded, but he also shows me how to dream big.
“Never give up on what you really want to do. The person with big dreams is more powerful than the one with all the facts.”-Albert Einstein
He encourages me to continue on when my doubts, and fears are louder than my thoughts, and I feel like a failure.
I’m the day-dreamer, but he keeps me grounded while also being the inspiration from which I derive my loftiest dreams from.
I noticed a lot self-deprecating language in this blog post, but I won’t change it, or rephrase it. I will use it as a prime example of how to this day, it’s necessary for me to consciously work towards a healthier way of thinking, and move away from trauma responses. Growth is a continuous process, and some days my inadequacies seem to outweigh the rate in which I am capable of growing, but until I die I see no other option. I either figure it out and get through it, or allow the weight of my self induced misery smother me.