-CPA (Chronic Pessimist Approved)
If you were to speak to a professional about having Borderline Personality Disorder, I can almost 100% guarantee one of the first things they will say.
There currently is not ANY medication on the market specifically to treat BPD. That the only treatment is intensive therapy.
For several years, I was misdiagnosed as having bipolar disorder, and was put on mood stabilizers, along with a grocery list of other medications.
The mood stabilizer I currently take makes functioning in everyday life substantially easier, but even though it makes my illness manageable, no medicine is going to completely cure my symptoms, or eradicate it.
So due to this inconvenience, (I find that there is an unfathomable number of situations in life that are mildly inconvenient) I still must find alternative methods to work through my symptoms. This is imperative because,
- My tendency to split from extreme love to extreme hate hurts the ones I love, and in turn leads to feelings of self-pity and shame.
- My illness causes me to push people away to avoid being hurt, but I end up pushing away the people who genuinely care for my wellbeing, and it ends up being self-sabotaging behavior.
- It causes random bursts of fury, sometimes volatile. An explosion of demonic rage.
That is how it feels to me, at least.
Needless to say, reacting this way isn’t exactly healthy behavior, and not appropriate among “polite society”.
I will be honest though, in the first couple years of my mental wellness journey, those words were the last thing I wanted to hear. No miracle pills. No miracle cure at all?
I was searching for a medication that would make all my problems go away, and then they told me there aren’t any in existence?? I was livid.
I think it is fair to say trying to find coping mechanisms is one the hardest parts of this endeavor.
Therapy was the last thing I wanted to do.
Keeping in mind that the first professional I received treatment from was through a school program in middle school, and my first trip to a psychiatric facility was at the ripe age of 16.
I still struggle piecing together a timeline of my life in order to have a greater understanding of when, and why my mental stability took a turn for the worst, but it is a safe guess for me to say that I fought tooth, and nail to do anything but counseling from the ages of 13-17.
By the time I had reached 18, I had made two trips to the hospital, and it was around this age that I stopped fighting the process.
I was exhausted from constantly battling my own brain, and not having the mental fortitude necessary to function in “everyday society”.
Beyond the fact that it made me virtually unbearable to be around, it was excruciatingly painful for me to just exist within myself.
To live inside my own skin feels like I am going to burst at the seams.
Call it a breakthrough, or even rock bottom, but I was tired of hurting, and willing to do whatever it took to make life a little tolerable for myself, as well as for those around me.
I FINALLY reached the point that I knew my brain was not working properly, and how I would give anything to silence the noise in my brain.
At least long enough to slow down the chaos.
I think that might be a reason why I put so much value into having peace of mind.
When your brain is constantly waging a war on itself, and it feels never ending, it adds a whole new level of gratitude for the simplicity of peace of mind. It’s definitely the little things.
I wanted to be able to think before impulsively getting defensive.
I wanted to be able to pause. Even if it was just briefly, or for two seconds longer.
At least long enough to acknowledge, comprehend, and process what is being said to me.
Back in a time when I knew less than I know now, it legitimately sounded like the whole world hated me, and was against me (Still a struggle for me).
Saying this is bittersweet for me.
I know the past me would be rolling her eyes if she read this because, like in numerous areas of life, things can be a lot easier said than done.
I can write until the cows come home about positive affirmations, and mindfulness, but I would be lying if I tried to pretend these things came to me easily, or naturally.
It took me several years to even consider practicing the coping skills they tried to teach me in the variation of programs I had gone through.
I would like to acknowledge that I am tremendously fortunate to have the advantage of being able to receive treatment, because that is not necessarily an option for everyone.
Maybe reading this could save someone several thousands of dollars, and years of time though.
I understand there is a strong possibility that many will read this and have some variation of how I would have responded as a teenager/young adult.
In one ear, and out the other.
Coupled with different sounds of contentment, aggravation, and a heavy undertone of bratty teenager syndrome.
Of course, the goal is for my experiences to resonate with at least one person, otherwise there went my initial purpose for all of this.
I want to save someone else a fraction of time, like the time I wasted fighting the process when ultimately, it benefited me more than anyone else to get in a healthier state of being.
So maybe there wasn’t much advice in what I have written, but maybe someone does stand to gain from my somewhat soap box speech.
If I am preaching. I am only emphasizing the importance of finding alternative means outside of pharmaceuticals.
Do the self-care work.
It is one of the most rewarding things you can do for yourself, and I promise once finding those brief moments of peace, you will never want to go back to constant madness.
I just want to see everyone in life succeed, and do well, so if you are reading this, I am rooting for you!!